Tuesday, December 29, 2009

I am GRATEFUL

For you, thank you for making me laugh, reading this blog, emailing me and your faith. Thank you and Happy New Year.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

POST XMAS BLUES

Well everyone, its that time of the year again, the post Christmas/holidays blues.
Yes, they have hit me. I cant beleive that a couple days have past since xmas eve and day.

I am so thankful for my family and the time we have had together. I am so happy that my brother is here and we are together. I am focused on these last few days and simply enjoying them. I am trying not to think of all the hard times of the last couple years and or whats ahead, Im trying to just be happy for family.

Merry Christmas.

Monday, December 21, 2009

THE CRYING GAME

So, as I know guys arent supposed to cry. But here goes a dash of honesty.
Today, I was speaking to friend and I started to cry and I havent been able to stop.

I just feel so overwhelmed and emotional. Maybe its the holidays, maybe its other looming issues. But, I just started and now I can not stop. I got a letter from my Dad on Friday and since then I have been out of control.

Does anyone know how to stop? What am I greatful for? I am breathing, thank you God.

What are you greatful for?

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Thank You To The Ladys Today!

Thank you for thinking of me.

I can not tell you enough how much it meant to me.
It was a random act of kindness and I can not repay you for your
thought. I am greatful.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Thanks to Yvette

A quick thank you to Yvette, we used to work together years ago.

A few days ago she invited me to come to her cycling class and today I went.
I havent been in class in over a year. I have to say that I felt like I was home again. I cant believe how much it meant to me. It truly is the little things.

It is the first time in a long time I felt normal. Thanks Yvette, I am greatful for you taking the time out for a random act of kindness. It gave me hope that maybe someday I will teach again and appreciate it more.
.
What are you greatful for.

P.S. To all you professors out there, remember greaful is spelled that way because grateful was already a blog.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

When You Have Nothing Left

You have hope.

When you have nothing left, you have hope. I am suprised that even with so many days where I feel hopeless, I still have hope. Trying to work all these part time jobs, trying to get business taken care of, lots of set backs everyday, I still have hope.

I dream of a day life is normal again, I wish someone could wave a wand and bring me back 2 years. I completely take the blame for how things have turned out, I could have made better decisions and now I have to live with the realities of what has happened.

What am I greatful for today, HOPE.
Thanks for reading.

Monday, December 14, 2009

The Loss Of Credibilty!

One of the greatest lessons of the last year has been that you can work for years and be respected and it can all be gone in one instant.

Anyone can say anything they want about you and most people love to believe the worst. So many love the sensational. I am still waiting on the person who hears the sensational and says, "hey maybe this person needs some help". I am amazed at that we dont do that enough.

I am so greatful for a girlfriend of mine who has been such a support for me. I know that I am a burden right now so I am thankful that in her busy life she takes the time out to see if I am ok, alive, breathing. She is amazing. I am greatful to CAT DAT, THANK YOU. There are days when I couldnt make it and she answered the phone.
Thank you.

Who are you greatful for????

Thursday, December 10, 2009

The Person You Wish You Were

Well, while on the road today, I wonder how I can be the person I wish I was.
The person I used to be?

In a interesting twist of fate, this day was not any better than before. I tried to think about my brother today and that I would never want to burden him with all the things Ive been tHrough this year and or show him how Im feelling. Today, I found myself saying outloud for the first time, I WISH I COULD JUST BLOW MY BRAINS OUT.

Hearing those words out loud I began to sob at the sheer fact that I would give up and give up on him and on me. I found myself going to my church this morning, had a great mini conversation with a church leader and he was very uplifiting. Even though I didnt go into details of my thoughts, I was greatful he took 5 minutes out for me.

I think the great challenge of the next few days will be simply the acceptance of failuer and understanding that no matter how much I tell someone that Im doing all I can to get on track, sometimes people cant BE OUTSIDE THEIR OWN BOX. I do not blame anyone for being who they are, I just wish someone would grab me by my hand and say I care and I wont leave your side.

Today, Im greatful for my blog. You?

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

What I know Today

Be yourself, be who you are, do what you can, a part of a Teddy Roosevelt quote.
Even though my days havent gotten any better, I had so much fun at palma ceia today.

It funny how my physical shape doesnt seem important to me anymore. When you are balancing your bills and other scary looming issues, the workouts dont seem important. I truly am the FAT TRAINER, I was scared to become.

What am I greatful for? class today, people were so nice. Thanks.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

At Peace

I feel strangely at peace now.
I didnt make the workout, I thought id look around and
see things.

Whatever decisions I make, I do not feellike a failure nor am I ashamed.
I know that everyones journey begins and ends when its supposed to.
Who is to say when that is? I am greatful the gentleman who bought me coffee
today.

Thank you. It was the nicest thing anyone has done for me in long time.

My Daily Suicide

Well since this is an honesty blog, I have to say that over the last week I wished I wasnt here anymore. Its kinda strange that you can have so many different kinds of thoughts in your lifetime.

Ive always been super positive and caring. Ive always thought I could solve any problem, but lately I havent been in that place. Ive simply wished I wasnt here anymore. Its a very raw and weird emotion, at times overwhelming. Yesterday, I thought about leaving my family Christmas cards and how I would do it. Everyone says
its a very selfish act but Im thinking that it can be a relief for a family as well.

What am I greatful for? Today I am greatful for all the experiences ive had and feel that whatever I decide I need to do it for, I feel like Ive lived for my brother all my life and I wouldnt change that and now hes older and I know hes gonna be ok. But I need to do something for me now.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Sunday Nite: When Do You Know What Rock Bottm Is?

Today I was wondering, when does one know, when rock bottom is?
I was thinking about people who have lost their jobs, homes or a loved one.
It always seems they get back up. I wonder if they ask themselves, if this is it?
Or do you just look forward and go on.

I went to the gym to try and keep mind in a positive place. At the gym I was reminded that I still have my health and even if I lost everything else, my health is most important. Even when feeling depressed, I know I can get up and go and try and do. I am greatful for my health today.

What are you greatful for?

Preparing Myself For Hard Week

Well it is Sunday morning and already worried about Monday. It is mornings like this that I wish I had a mind thought blocker. But, there are no such things.

I will attempt to keep my mind on something positive and hope that everything works out. Does anyone beleive that some people are just blessed with good luck and others are not?

Saturday, December 5, 2009

5. OK...It is What It is.

Today just is waht it is.

Bro had a play today at lunch and was nice to see. I am greatful for his unconditional love.

It was a super rough week and next week wont be any better, I keep thinking some miracle will happen. I am praying for things to miraculously change. Ill keep my fingers crossed. How did I get here?

Greatful for the ability to pray today, what are you greatful for?

Thursday, December 3, 2009

4. Crazy, Lazy and Lucid

Well for official post number 4, I left at 6 am and got home at 10:10, this shutting everything down and wrapping up the old and starting with the new is exhausting.

I learned today that 5 bucks goes along way. I can do without Starbucks and bottled water as long as I have the right attitude. I have to say that I am so greatful for the kind emails I get on a daily basis and I am thankful for the fact that even though I cant do for others as I used to, there are still kind people out there who dont remember me as a person who would just gave to everyone but as a person who was kind to them when they needed it. Now, I just have to remember to treat myself better. With all the mistakes I have made and continue to make, I have to forgive myself and remember that I was able to create something great before so I can do it again.

And for those who wanna tear me down today and everyday, I choose to block you out right now at 10:15 and simply block you out for the next 8 hours until I have to deal with reality all over again.

I am greatful for short term memory loss, lol. What are you greatful for?

The Lovely Lady at the Bank

I met a lady in the military today in line at the bank.
She was nice and started chatting with me, then she let me cut in line.
Was very sweet. Im greatful.

3. The Big Fat Trainer Weird Start To My Day

Well, Ive finally made a 6 am workout, and between me and the 2 other ppl there, I was the one in the worst shape..LOL.

I am getting my day started and its going to be a tough one. Lots of fires to put out and things to both deal with and wrap up, but I am thankful for getting to the gym and trying to put a positive spin on things. Now off to pay the phone bill.
Here I come.

What are you greatful for?

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

2. My Daily Despair

Even as I sit here today wondering how I got here. It is not lost on me that there are many in the world in a worse place.

It is hard to think of them as I think of my own situation. As I try and figure out how I will get water, electric, car and everything paid, I wonder how others with less do it. In the moments of my deepest despair I try and figure out how I can manage to keep ahold of the business thats left and how to get in a better place.
I often wonder what it was like for me before. I dont think I was greatful for what I had and I now know that I was not prepared for the worst. Thoughts of homelessness, joblessness and many other thoughts enter my mind and even though I know that I cant stay in this place of despair because I have committments and need to keep looking forward it is hard not to.

As a friend reminded me, I can live without my phone, water, electric, she said take it one day at a time. And as she went through a tough time recently, her situation was worse and therefore I am greatful for where I am. It can be worse, it can be worse, IT CAN BE WORSE, so I am greatful it isnt.

What are you greatful for?

Thanks to the Ladys In Class

Thanks you for coming every week, it means more than you know and I am greaful for you being there for me in a small way all year. Thank you.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

There Went The GYM!

Ok, just a quick update, I actually went to the gym this evening, day 1.
Im greatful.

Today I am Grateful for...

My brother, it was his birthday yesterday and he makes life worth living. Thank you.

1: Big Fat Trainer

I finally decided to write this blog and get my ass in gear. It has been the roughest of years and it doenst seem to get better. As my check book disappeared, my ass got bigger and bigger. The stress of all that has happened has made me just get outta control with my eating and not able to get to the workouts as I used to.

Its is now Dec 1 and everyday since last Jan 1, I have said, im going back to working out hard and getting this body in order. For what my workouts used to be: THEY ARE NO LONGER. My daily fitness routine was always a way to get my head together and plan my day, but these last 2 years have somehow changed my ability to concentrate on just the workout.

So, I continue everyday to set the goal to get back to working out hard and get my body back in top shape so that my mind comes along.

Finally my first blog entry....yippie. Tell me what you are greatful for?
P.S. I spelled it greatful because grateful was used....:)